Friday, July 30, 2021

Traumatised by a spider and two dogs

George was barking at 6.30 this morning. Normally I'd ignore it and wait until Husband couldn't stand it any more and got up but ... I began to worry. 

Only George was barking. 

Why wasn't Lobo barking too? Was he ill? Had he been more subdued than usual yesterday?  Was he lying at the bottom of the stairs feeling proper poorly and George was alerting us? 

I had to get up and see.

Lobo was bouncing at the foot of the stairs, wagging his tail, looking very pleased to see me, and not at all unwell.

I let them out for a wee, and went back to bed.

Some time later I spotted a long-legged spider spidering his way across the ceiling over our bed, heading towards our heads. Every so often he lost his grip and flopped and dangled in mid-air.

Fortunately we have a super-king-size bed so I could keep adjusting my head position depending on which way he was progressing, but I looked away for a minute and when I looked back he had disappeared! 

Then I spotted him coming down the wall - but on Husband's side luckily. 

Eventually he chose a corner of the room to settle in and I could relax.

Honestly, some mornings are just too traumatic.

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Things I forgot

Although lockdown contributed to Younger Son's move, it also enabled Elder Son and family to move back to Swansea. So it wasn't all bad!

And, in exercise class yesterday, Sandra, whose husband died some years ago, reassured me that, 'There is no hierarchy of loss.'

Then, coming home from Zac's today, the man in the car behind me tooted instantly when I barely slowed down for another car. He picked the wrong week to toot at me. I made my way along the rest of the road at a snail's pace. I hope I annoyed him some more.

And finally, I treated myself to some nice soap.

On the up

Thanks to lovely people on here and on FaceBook who've sent love and have validated my feelings, and to those who've listened to me or allowed me to write out my feelings to them, I am feeling much better. Still sad of course but not crying every five minutes and less tummy-tense.

And big thanks to God too. 

Anyway, radio piece written, recorded and approved by the producer. And I can use that as the basis for my next Bay article. 

I don't think I told you that, because they weren't able to book their dog on the same flight, Younger Son and family left Lobo here with us. He's only staying until next Sunday when he gets his own private taxi out to Italy. (Don't ask!) That is, if I let him go. He really is very lovely, and needs lots of exercise so we're back into long walks - having to leave George at home, where he gets enough exercise just pestering lobo. Honestly, you'd think an old dog would have more sense, but George is the one who keeps barking at Lobo and wanting to play.

This is Lobo suggesting that I should move away from my computer and walk him instead.

I wasn't so happy with him yesterday morning though when he jumped down from our front wall and went on to the road outside. I had to run out in my short nightie to get him in.

But he is very lovely.

What else? Oh yes, chopping up onions for chilli for thirty in Zac's yesterday - because I haven't cried enough this week!

And exercise class yesterday with Jim. He had us sitting still in a squat position while using weights. Every bit of me aches today. And I usually don't start until the day after the day after ...

But the punching in that position was quite stress-relieving. I created my own mantra:
B****r Brexit, b****r lockdown, b****r woman in woods, b****r Boris.'

Each reason behind Younger Son's decision to emigrate got an almighty wallop. At least, as almighty as I could manage at that point quite late on in the lesson. But it felt good.

Like this only without the standing up bit. Just holding the squat ...

Obviously I looked just like the woman in the picture, apart from my Eric Morecambe shorts, my baggy 'Away with the fairies' t-shirt, my trembling arms/legs, and less-toned muscles. 

Monday, July 26, 2021

And another plus

I won Slimmer of the Week having lost three and a half pounds.

Not sure whether that's not eating or simply lost in tears. 

But it's a bonus. 

Little victories, little steps towards my new normality. I will be positive about this.

Two positives

1. I have completed the first draft of my - very sad - piece for the radio.

2. I have done some Welsh practice. I took up learning Welsh initially to be able to read to GrandSon4 who was attending a Welsh language school. Since he has gone I lost the will to concentrate but now at least I've done a bit and broken the fear. That's not the right expression but I can't think of a better one right now.

And another one

I woke up this morning and thought maybe I felt a little better.

That didn't last.

I went to exercise class hoping some normality and release of endorphins might help.

It didn't.

Now I have to write and record a radio programme. It could be the saddest thing ever.

I cannot keep feeling like this. I must focus on the positives.

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Another sad post


I don't want to feel like this. I want to be excited for them. I want them to be happy. I want to be able to wish them success and mean it. I want to go back to being the silly granny my other grandchildren know, love, and deserve. I don't want to feel slightly apart from everything.

But I still feel sick, I still burst into tears randomly and have to go and be hugged by Husband. I am still taking gulps of air as if I can't enough oxygen into my lungs.

I need to do things to keep my mind occupied but I can't be bothered, nothing seems worthwhile, everything is too much effort.

And then I feel guilty because it's not the end of the world, it's not even a bad thing for them. I know so many people who have suffered real loss, and cope. I shouldn't feel like this.

I keep trying to think of the positives, to look on the bright side. They're not dead, for goodness sake. And for an instant I can breathe normally - but then my stomach reminds me.

I am hoping that writing this out will help me, be a sort of therapy, but it might be quite repetitive, so feel free to ignore me for some time.

Anyway they are safely in Italy now, staying with Nuora's parents until contracts are signed on their house. And then the Big Adventure will begin.

I was looking for a photo and came across this prayer I wrote for GrandSon4 when he was born. I need to remember what I prayed for him.

Saturday, July 24, 2021

The man in the post office

The man in the post office was learning the job and being all nice and friendly when he asked, 'How are you today?'

I don't think he expected me to say, 'Not very good. I might burst into tears at any moment.'

I really wasn't expecting this depth of emotion. My 'happy pill' keeps me on an even keel so I don't normally experience the very highs or very lows, and I'd assumed this would be the same. I really thought that when they'd gone I'd just get on with it. I wasn't anticipating this hammering.

I keep telling myself it could be so much worse, and that it won't be that long, covid-allowing, until I see them again, but nothing is stopping this sick feeling.

I'm sorry to go on about it but this has totally thrown me.

But we had a nice walk this morning with Elder Son and his dog, Toby. We have Younger Son's dog, Lobo, staying with us until his own private taxi arrives to pick him up next week. They weren't able to book him onto the flight with them but apparently this man makes a living out of transporting pets across the continent. 

Lobo (black) and Toby (brown)

That said, as it turned out, Younger Son and family couldn't get onto the flight either: their covid test results weren't back in time, and in spite of much shouting on the phone they were forced to book a hotel room for the night, and new flights for this evening. 

They've just had new tests done at the airport - 30 minute turnaround. All in all it's cost them more than an extra £1,000.

Friday, July 23, 2021

Not even ice cream helps

Went in the pool for  swim and ended up sobbing on Husband's shoulder.

Even a consolation ice cream in Verdi's wasn't enough. But Daughter and Elder Son are trying to help me feel better, which is lovely of them.

And an idiot

I had been telling myself that anticipation was worse than the actual thing, and once they'd gone I'd be okay. What kind of idiot was I?

I know they're setting off for a wonderful adventure. I know there are holidays to look forward to. I know there's skype and zoom. 

But right now I just want to drive down the motorway after them and drag them back.

Did I say sad?

I mean, I knew I'd feel sad but didn't expect it to hit me quite like this.

Don't know what to do with myself. 

One very sad granny

Younger Son, Nuora and my two littlest grandbabies have left today to go and live in Italy. 

I'm sure it will get better in time but right now I can't decide if I want to cry or be sick.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Downward dog in bikini

Had my first sea swim of the year this morning! And it was chilly. We've been spoiled with our pool, the temperature of which hit a record-equalling 28 degrees today. But good to be in the sea and spotting tiny fish, starfish and jellyfish.

And it wasn't too hard to maintain social distancing on the beach at Pobbles.

The only hiccup was when GrandSon2, GrandDaughter2 and I turned a corner while exploring cliffs and looking for caves, and came across a lady practising yoga. Downward Dog. In her brief bikini. Try explaining that sight to grandchildren.

* * * * * * * 

The fig tree is very productive this year and we've tasted out first figs, avoiding the ones already nibbled by birds. Delicious! Did I tell you about the fig tree? It was Daughter's but it was dying so she brought it to Husband to look after.