A delicate matter

The last time I followed the Slimming World red day/green day diet, although it worked, it did cause me some problems, and I'm finding the same thing this time round.

I am carefully avoiding sharp pointed objects. I am fearful that were I to be punctured I might go into orbit.
xx

I can make you thin ...

is the title of a book by Paul McKenna. Well, I haven't had any success making myself thin so if he can do it, I'll be delighted.

Although I bought the book - complete with CD - for 50p in a charity shop; that rather suggests that the previous owner didn't think much of it. Then again perhaps it worked so miraculously that he/she no longer needs it and wants everyone to benefit from it. Then again, the fact that it looks unread is less promising.

I'll let you know.

When I get round to reading it.

Not eating, not losing

We went to a party on Saturday night. I'd been asked to take some chocolate raisin slice. A guest commented on how nice they were and I offered her another. 'Oh, no,' she said. 'They're very moreish but I've had one already.'

You see that is why I have a tummy and she doesn't. When I say something is moreish, I eat another three. At least.

But I haven't been for the last two weeks. I have been religiously not eating all the goodies I normally munch on; I've even cut back on the meals. And do you know what?

I haven't lost so much as an ounce.

In fact the scales tried to tell me that I had put on 6 lbs. It's lying of course; it is evil. If it had said 1 lb or even 2, I might have believed it but 6? Really, it must think I'm totally stupid.

It's only 11 days to the wedding now. How exciting is that? I'm all ready. Except for my shoes. And icing the cake. And having my hair done. But that's fine; I am in control.

Lashings of custard

I am no longer a little fat badger!

I went to the hairdressers this afternoon and now I'm more like a little fat red squirrel.

Then I stopped in the market on the way back to get kebabs from the butchers and some veg for stir fry, providing us with a healthy and reasonably diety meal. If it hadn't been for the syrup sponge pudding we had for afters.

Well, I had to call into Tesco's and they had these little dinky pairs of puddings for about 69p - so you can see how small they must have been. Hardly more than a mouthful really. And surely not more than a few calories.

It would probably have been fine if I hadn't had 1/2 pint of custard with mine. (Younger Son didn't want custard so I had to eat it all.) But if you're having custard you've got to have lots. I can't stand it in restaurants when they serve custard with a pudding and it comes and there's hardly enough custard to cover a sixpence. It's got to drown the pudding. Mm-mmm.

So, back on the diet now. It's not going awfully well. According to the scales last Saturday, I had put on 4 lbs, for goodness sake. But I don't believe it. I suspect it of waging psychological war against me.

Sunday Miscellany

Yesterday Husband commented that I was looking miserable.

'What do you expect? a) I am on a diet; b) I'm not losing any weight; c) my roots are 1" long and very white at the front. I am turning into a little fat badger.'

I had a good eating week this week too (apart from the box of Venetian chocolates and the rice pudding). Pah!

* * * * * * * * * * *

And what's more, what has happened to wallpaper shops? They don't exist any more. The only places selling wallpaper are the big DIY stores and their choice is limited!

Husband is still in decorating mode; he's moved onto the hall and landing. By the way the reason I haven't posted a photo of our wonderful newly-decorated bedroom is that I haven't sorted out the curtains yet. That's another thing it's hard to find!

What I really want - for the hall - is darkish green or red paper with a tiny bit of pattern; the sort of thing Laura Ashley used to do well. In fact just the sort of thing we have over the fireplace in the living-room.

I've spent some time browsing on the web: do you know you can buy wallpaper for £112 a roll? I told Husband that, mainly so that when I say, 'Can I spend £15.99 a roll on wallpaper?' he'll think it's a bargain.

Husband is off on leave tomorrow and he has just told me he will be ready to start painting the ceiling. Oh dear. So what do you think? Green or red? Just for the bit below the wotsit; the bit above will be painted in ... another colour.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Looking at my blog statistics it seems that the overall number of visitors is increasing very gradually, but that's mostly due to first-timers. The number of returning visitors stays fairly constant, which suggests that I have a few regular readers, but that, for most people, one visit is enough. I can understand that.

* * * * * * * * * * *

In prison this morning, Sean from Zac's was speaking. Have I mentioned that they have a newish system for visitors on entering the prison? They keep everyone's fingerprints on record and compare them on the magic scanner. Most people have trouble either entering or leaving, getting the scanner to recognise their prints; I never have this problem. I had better not commit a crime: my fingerprints will be too clear and easily identifiable.

Sean read something about drinking from the crystal chalice. When we were talking afterwards, one of the other ladies said it made her think of Terry Waite; the chaplain said something equally spiritual. I didn't say it reminded me of Dumbledore and Harry Potter.

Diet Bore II

I'm making a casserole for dinner but it's all right because I have the wonderful Fry Light, the one calorie extra virgin olive oil spray for slimmers.

Except I use at least 20 sprays. But how many calories can there be in that? So that's fine.

Except it doesn't look very good so I slop in some proper olive oil. And some more. But, still, it's not as if I'll be eating the entire casserole, so that's fine.

Except I was thinking of putting a rice pudding in to cook at the same time. If I don't I'll be hearing my granny's voice saying, 'You can't waste all that heat on cooking just one thing.' And foods high in calcium help you pooh more fat, so that's all right.

All that milk and rice mightn't be awfully slimming but I am going to circuits first and it is comfort food and it is Valentine's Day and I will be alone. Unless you count younger Son who is planning on eating his dinner in his room watching Arsenal.

So, yes, that's fine. Hardly a hiccup for the diet at all.

I don't want to be a diet bore ...

but I just want to point out that I am on a SERIOUS diet now.

And have been since Sunday. (Apart from the box of Venetian chocolates, which, incidentally, were very scrummy. 'Were' being the operative word.)

I am allowing myself four weeks to lose weight before looking for a wedding outfit.

I'm not going to go on about it; I just wanted you to be aware of it so that, should my posts get a bit grumpy, you'll know there is a reason for it.

But so far, so good. (Apart from the box of Venetian chocolates.)

Eat less, get slim

There was a programme on television last night about dieting; it was part of the Truth about Food series.

It involved a variety of dieting myths/truths being put to the scientific test. Some were interesting: protein is the food that fills you for longest; the larger your serving, the more you're likely to eat; drinking a glass of water before eating doesn't fill you up; and a diet rich in calcium will make help your digestive system get rid of more fat.

I missed the first bit of the programme where they talked about slow metabolism, but, basically, I think they said it's a myth. If you take in more calories/energy than you use up, you'll store it as fat. Full stop. Nothing to do with speedy or slothlike metabolism. Thin people eat less.

All very interesting but apparently the buzz word in dieting circles is 'satiated', meaning full, I guess. All the experiments seemed to revolve around what fills us up most and keeps us feeling full for longest. What stops us being hungry.

The trouble is I don't get hungry.

I eat because it's meal time or I feel like it or I'm miserable or bored. I don't think I'd recognise hunger. So things that stop me feeling hungry won't really help me.

Just not eating would be more effective.

Eleven weeks to the wedding. Okay, must take this seriously now.

Our scales lie

They must do.

I have had a good eating week so there is no way that I can't have lost weight. I mean, how many calories can there be in a buttered toasted teacake, tube of Maltesers and a slice of cream sponge? Not many, precisely. Humph.

Perhaps I should write to Morrisons while I am grumpy.

They have an enormous advert outside their store saying, 'The smart way to eat healthier'. Not only is it wrong grammatically, it sounds dreadful when you say it aloud. Honestly, people get paid loads of money to write that drivel. Right, where's the Morrisons' website?

There, I've written to them!

Is that very sad?

Ah, well, better to write than eat chocolate.

Also I noticed that Tesco advertise the fact that they recycle their car-cleaning water. It's probably best to get in there early in the day then, before it's had too many dirty cars to wash.

My theory ©

It's been on the news again today about global warming and cutting down our carbon dioxide emissions. However it's not only CO2 that is to blame. There are other gases involved, the major one being methane.

The reasons for the increase in CO2 are well-documented; however I believe a significant factor affecting global warming has been ignored.

Consider, if you will, what a majority of women (and a number of men) in this country - and probably the Western world - are doing at this very moment: dieting.

With the exception of Atkins, diets urge you to eat more fruit and veg; indeed, the government tells us to eat at least 5 portions a day. And everyone knows what fibre does in the digestive system: it creates methane. This in turn has to be released - or escapes. QED

Dieters, for the sake of the environment, nay, of our world, eat more chocolate!

P.S. Curiously enough the Lib Dems are thinking along these lines but more from inside the box. Last week their Environment Spokesman called on farmers to change the diet of their cattle to reduce the amount of methane they produce. Dieters, remember, you heard it here first.

P.P.S Kangaroos don't produce methane.