I don't want to feel like this. I want to be excited for them. I want them to be happy. I want to be able to wish them success and mean it. I want to go back to being the silly granny my other grandchildren know, love, and deserve. I don't want to feel slightly apart from everything.
But I still feel sick, I still burst into tears randomly and have to go and be hugged by Husband. I am still taking gulps of air as if I can't enough oxygen into my lungs.
I need to do things to keep my mind occupied but I can't be bothered, nothing seems worthwhile, everything is too much effort.
And then I feel guilty because it's not the end of the world, it's not even a bad thing for them. I know so many people who have suffered real loss, and cope. I shouldn't feel like this.
I keep trying to think of the positives, to look on the bright side. They're not dead, for goodness sake. And for an instant I can breathe normally - but then my stomach reminds me.
I am hoping that writing this out will help me, be a sort of therapy, but it might be quite repetitive, so feel free to ignore me for some time.
Anyway they are safely in Italy now, staying with Nuora's parents until contracts are signed on their house. And then the Big Adventure will begin.
I was looking for a photo and came across this prayer I wrote for GrandSon4 when he was born. I need to remember what I prayed for him.