Saturday, September 17, 2016

I didn't faint

You know that if I begin a story about me trying to climb up a muddy bank, cross a river or circumnavigate brambly bushes it's going to end badly. But I'm not sure why that is.

In most aspects of my life I lack confidence and need frequent reassurance and regular encouragement but when it comes to doing stupid things in the woods I am suddenly full of misplaced certainty that I can do this.

Maybe it's because I'm in the woods and nobody is going to see me and, anyway, if I fail it only means wet/muddy/ripped clothing, which is easily remedied. Except the ripped. They stay ripped. I don't sew.

Perhaps I need a bit more of this don't-care attitude in my everyday life. So what if I try and fail? Fail is my default mode so it's not unexpected after all. 

I know someone who is always telling us how good she is at this or that and how much people like her. I'm pretty sure it's her insecurities that make her so boastful, create the need to believe in herself and convince others of her worthiness. I'm much more likely to tell a story about how useless I am. Which also displays my insecurities and the need to be reassured. 

All the hundreds of handy-mottoes-to-live-by that appear on Facebook suggest to me that most of us need frequent reminders of our worth. And judging by the frequency with which some people post them they're mostly not convinced.

But this has turned into a very serious post and veered away from what I was building up to which was the grass cut I gave myself attempting to pick a piece of grass while strolling through the woods. It's just behind my knuckle and I walked the rest of the way home with a tissue wrapped around it, repeating the mantra, 'I'm not going to faint.' I didn't feel as if I were about to but, if you recall the last time I gave blood, that's not necessarily a prerequisite. There I was, lying on the bed feeling fine, chatting merrily about sinks when all of a sudden I thought, 'I'm going to faint.' And that was it. No wooziness or darkening of the skies, no blood flooding my face, just boing and I was gone.

But today I made it home without further incidence which is just as well as Husband would have been cross with me for not taking my phone. (I never take my phone on walks. I rarely take it anywhere in fact.)

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