"I think I can, I think I can ... oh no I can't."
In prison on Sunday with Sean as the guest speaker. It was supposed to be me.
It's taking me a long time to shake off my post-Christmas stupor and as I tried to think what to speak about I began to panic as my mind was quite blank. And more importantly empty. So I messaged Sean and said, 'Help!'
Now asking for help does not come easily to me. I will do just about anything to avoid it. Even if someone offers I usually turn it down. Pride, arrogance, I can do this, I don't want to admit to weakness, all of this combines to make a strong taskmaster.
But I couldn't do it.
Last week I visited Shirley, an old blogging friend, and one in whom I've confided my weariness. She gave me the wise advice to prioritise and maybe sometimes even put things aside or say no. Again I'm not very good at taking advice but I'm glad I did on this occasion.
Sean, of course, was brilliant. He used the scripture about giving the whole of your heart, soul and mind to God. It's something I've always struggled with believing I've too many other things in my heart, soul, mind, to be able to give it all to God but Sean said he'd come to look at it differently. He used the example of the widow's mite, that she gave what she could and was blessed for it. God takes what we give, flawed as it may be. It's the willingness, the wanting to want to, the trying but not believing it's enough - the poverty of spirit - that matters.
God bless the ones who know they can't, the ones who acknowledge their failures, the ones who know they need God.