As has become traditional - in that I did it last year - I am ending the year by looking back on my lack of achievements, an antidote to all those "Look what I achieved last year," posts on social media.
January
I came out of the shower having washed my hair only to discover I'd forgotten to use either shampoo or conditioner.
February
I fear a conspiracy when I find that, not only am I being followed by Russians but also by a woman from Interpol.
March
I am complimented on my jigging but turn into a disappointment when I confess to not knowing The Sugars.
April
My lack of technical ability and knowledge means the hours I spend creating a playlist for Zac's are wasted when I don't know my phone number, my Amazon password, or how to access my emails.
May
Plants I planted give up the will to live, and the prison officer wonders if I am a drug smuggler.
June
Accurately it turns out, I am given a prophecy, foreseeing Trump's win, which will be followed by America becoming great again and then the end of the world.
July
I bury scallions, lose a duvet cover, and squeak in my sleep.
August
I discover that for all these years I have been wearing socks unaware that they have a right and left.
September
I have to scrape mould off my pancake, Husband tells me the words, "It'll be fine," will be on my tombstone, and I m accused of cuddling up to men.
October
I wear my hearing aids only to sit next to a man who insists on breathing, and my reputation as a man-hunter is confirmed.
November
I am offered a supply of condoms and vibrators, and I flash my bottom at a strange woman in M&S.
December
I go to pay for the meat I am buying from the butcher only to find I have left my purse at home, and, for the second year running, I do not receive the nationwide government alert.
17 comments:
This is a lovely antidote to those hideous braggy how wonderful our family was this year "newsletters" and tedious blogger year roundups. Thank you for your service!
You keep track of your foibles well, and I commend you for that. Self-deprecation is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, I get in trouble for practising the skill.
If only we could all do so well!
Congratulations on your lack of achievements, but I must point out that I under-achieved even more than you did, or should that be even less than you did? Whatever it is, I'm proud--or not. I'm not sure, as being indecisive is one of my lack of my achievements.
Love, I think maybe,
Janie
This made me smile.
PipeTobacco
You have the BEST misadventures!
This is so much better than reading about all the great things people did over the year.
ha, ha, excellent. I agree with all the above. Happy New Year, here's to more keeping it real.
Why thank you, Lady Boud!
I try to do it before someone else gets in and tells me what i've got wrong!
It's a gift only some of us have, Janice. Be glad!
Perhaps we should have under-achievement face-off!
I'm glad.
What can I say, Debra? Life happens to me.
Some people are very impressive though.
Thanks Polly and to you.
Well done!
Post a Comment