Husband collected my supermarket order this morning and now I will spend the rest of the week saying, "Don't eat that! It's for Christmas!"
Gym this morning but managed to choose a treadmill in front of the screen showing children's programmes in Welsh. I hoped they would have subtitles but the only one that did had it in English so I had to practise translating that back into Welsh. Even though I keep going back over it I am confused between past and future tenses, and I panic.
Speaking of panicking the cleaner is here. Is it normal to feel so tense when there is someone in your house doing your cleaning for you? She's very nice and chatty but I can't cope. I feel beholden. And now she's given me a Christmas card. Does that mean I should give her a Christmas tip? She's only been here, what four times; does that qualify for a tip and if so how much? I hate everything about tipping! I don't resent it, I just don't know what to do!
Perhaps this is why I sometimes climb onboard the 'I'm a failure/ not good enough' roundabout. I went to bed like that last night. There's no logic to it or rationale, just this feeling of depression.
I read all the self-care memes and know I am good enough and worth it and I don't have anything to prove, and, for goodness sake, I'm seventy-one, I should have got myself clear on this by now, but it doesn't matter. Phoof, they're just words. When the feeling comes it comes.
And of course I'm a Christian and know God thinks I am enough and loves me as I am, so then feel even worse because not only am I not enough I'm a bad Christian.
Don't worry, it passes quickly. Just thought I'd share in case anyone else ever feels like this. You are not alone.
I was going to go for a walk with Daughter and the dogs lunchtime but it's very very wet so won't. I will just go to Mumbles to buy something to replace a present I bought for Elder Son that I noticed, when at his party yesterday, he already has. In fact I probably bought that one for him.
Also unwrapped a present I'd bought for GrandSon1 because it didn't come in a box and, thinking about it I panicked, so I've handed it to Husband to make sure it works.
Deep breath. It will all be alright.
5 comments:
Everything will be fine. If something isn't perfect, then it can be fixed. When I needed foodstuffs for a particular recipe, I used to write on the package, DON'T EAT ME.
Love,
Janie
About my cleaners, a family of three, I go out when they're here, leaving out the materials they need. I think they need me out from under their feet, and they're totally trustworthy. I add a tip to their charge every visit, and a big extra at Christmas. They've never raised their prices, so I have done it for them. They work so hard and keep me able to stay in my house.
About that don't eat it it's for Christmas, yes, that's funny every year!
Always, always leave the house when someone cleans it - as Boud does. Two years ago, thinking that Hunky Husband and I should splurge by having a cleaner (and so the kids don't think we are working too hard for our ages, about 15 years your seniors) I had the house cleaned - ONCE - without leaving the house. Putting up with the whirlwind that went through here was worse than putting up with the house in its natural state. After I'm dead, or in a home for the bewildered, the kids can have someone clean - when I am NOT HERE.
Yep, I also occasionally have the "I'm not good enough" feelings. Like you said, they pass.
You are good enough. You do your best with the light that you have. Christian guilt can be a bad thing.
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