There's a story in the bible where Jesus goes to have dinner at the home of Martha, Mary and Lazarus - not sure if this was before or after the first time he died. Martha is busy in the kitchen preparing to feed this sudden influx of men while Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet listening to him.
Martha bustles in and complains to Jesus that her sister isn't helping her. Jesus says, "Quite right, Martha. Mary, go and help your sister in the kitchen."
No he doesn't. That's what I wish he'd said. What he actually says is, "Mary has chosen what is best."
I know I'm a Martha. If I see something needs doing I will try and do it. If I see a problem I will try to fix it, to make things better.
I know two people in different stages of grieving and this week I've had to apologise to them both. I see they are in pain and I want to do something to help - admirable in itself but not necessarily what they need.
I was reminded of this in something I read this morning. I can't remember where or the exact words but it went along the lines of, "Sometimes you just need to walk alongside others."
Not do as I do, which really is judging, saying almost, "Get a grip, help yourself by doing this or this."
I mean well and at the right time my suggestions may be useful but it will be in their time not when I think they should.
There's a song with the line, "That's why you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties." I don't know about parties -I don't often go to those - but I would always rather be in the kitchen doing something practical than just sitting and listening.
And, yes, the world needs people to cook and feed and care for practically but it also needs plenty of Marys. (The male equivalents I imagine as Peter and John with being a Peter, always meaning well but getting it wrong.)
Are you a Mary or a Martha?
9 comments:
I think I'd be a Mary - sitting listening to other's conversation and at times contributing there. I fully appreciate the Marthas, but can't usually see myself as one.
I would go to the kitchen to prepare the food and drink. I've always been troubled by that parable. But instead of wishing Jesus told Mary to help, I wish he'd tell one of the men that Martha shouldn't do the work alone and one of them should get his ass to the kitchen to do some work. Or Jesus himself should set the example. What kind of guests don't have even one person who offers to assist in the kitchen?
Love,
Janie
P.S. I don't like to say I'm a Martha because of the connotations related to The Handmaid's Tale.
Marys are valuable, Anonymous.
Good thinking, Janie! I suppose it was the custom at the time for women to do all that work. In fact Mary broke with tradition by listening to the rabbi. And Jesus didn't tell her to go away as would have been expected.
That parable, imagining the kitchen fairies would feed everyone, not giving a **** about one woman struggling to do everything, is so y-chromosome that I strongly doubt its authenticity.
It's not at all the understanding Christ who fed everyone with loaves and fishes or changed water into wine at the marriage feast of Cana. I don't think he was this entitled oblivious guy. I do think the writer was, though.
I'm definitely a Martha. I've tried to change over the years, but just sitting and listening is not my style.
That's another really thought-provoking argument, Boud. Wow! I am going to have to rethink this story.
We Marthas are needed too, Kathy.
I think we all want to ‘mean well’. Perhaps this is an overused expression in a culture that values consumption and a frenetic pace of life. We can’t always bring this ‘fixer’ mindset into the realm of relationships, especially when someone is hurting. Nor should we confuse ‘meaning well’ with compassion and empathy. We have to respect a person’s boundaries and their capacities, else we risk falling into behaviour that is judgmental and controlling. It’s not so much a binary choice between Martha and Mary. It’s when and how to be Martha, or Mary. There is a time for everything; a time for sorrow, a time for joy.
- Ecclesiastes 3:4
Providing a listening ear is so important. Wish I did it better!
Our society is not good at dealing with grief. We are not encouraged to talk about it so when the inevitable happens we founder. You are trying which is more than many do, so don't be too hard on yourself.
I am a Martha if I don't know anyone but if I am comfortable with the group of people I will switch hats and play both parts.
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