In which I have a wobbly

Way back before I was put on medication I was very anxious. The slightest thing would send me into a panic attack. Maybe not what might be officially recognised as such but very real nevertheless. It affected my whole body and, more significantly my mind. I would become obsessed with whatever the latest worry was. Obsessed, distracted, unable to function effectively. I still did everything but from a distance.

My brain would be completely taken over by a cycle of panic, reassurance, panic, reassurance. Until the next worry hove into view and took over. I didn't view it as anxiety or depression although the symptoms were all there. I simply thought how stupid I was to be unable to let go. It was all my own fault. All I had to do was sort myself out.

When the doctor finally prescribed medication and I got into the routine of taking it my life was changed totally. Some people disapprove of medication saying it dulls your senses, numbs you. I suppose that is true: I very rarely show emotion, hardly ever crying. It doesn't mean I don't feel joy, sorrow, excitement, love, grief; I just don't put on an outward show. Sometimes I wish I did but overall there is no way I would go back to where I was before.

Over the last year I've had a few blips and this morning I had my first serious meltdown for years. It frightened me to remember what it was like and to know how close to the edge I always am. I think maybe in the New Year I will go and see the doctor again and discuss my medication.

I'm okay now by the way. An afternoon watching The Grinch while childminding a poorly GrandSon2 so his mum could go to the school concert helped distract me no end.