The unfortunate incident of the sweetie in the sermon

In church this morning the speaker had just begun when Jared offered me a sweetie. It looked like a blackcurrant suckie sweet and my throat was a bit dry so I took it. I unwrapped it as quietly as I could and popped it in my mouth.

'Urrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!'

I don't know what it was but it certainly wasn't blackcurrant. It was awful. Possibly licorice or aniseed.

I looked at the clock. I figured the speaker would go on for twenty minutes . That meant I had twenty minutes to suffer the sweet. I couldn't crunch it - too noisy; I couldn't swallow it - too big; I couldn't spit it out - could I?

I took out my hankie and made a big show of blowing my nose but just as I did so my neighbour turned to look at me. I quickly put my hankie away again without disgorging the sweet.

There was nothing for it: I had to sit and wait.

Twenty minutes passed and the speaker showed no sign of stopping.

Twenty-five minutes.

Thirty. Thirty-five. How long could one man talk for?

'Let's pray.'

Phew, nearly there.

Five minutes later he sat down; I leapt up and dashed to the kitchen. By this time I'm convinced that not only have I rotted my teeth by prolonged exposure to sugar but they're probably black as well.

I spat the sweet into a piece of paper and threw it in the bin. Heinke wanted to speak to me but I rudely said, 'No wait! Let me get a drink of water.'

And as for what subject the speaker was talking about, I don't have a clue.

It rounded off the morning nicely. Chris had been telling everyone about the community cafe we'd run during the summer and how I must have scared people off as I didn't get any customers on my days. He finished up by saying, 'No, I shouldn't make fun of her. She, um, well, Liz tries.'

He might as well have added, 'Bless.'