Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Bad Sex and gardening

I have come to the conclusion - no, I've known for some time - that I am to gardening what McDonald's is to good food. But really that isn't a good comparison as McDonald's could argue that they produce food that is edible and enjoyed by many; my only talent in the garden is destroying it.

But I am very good at that.

I wonder if this is my big opportunity.

They have house clearers so why not have garden clearers? If you want to sell your great-aunt's house now that you've put her in a home for the mentally decrepit and you are planning what you're going to do with all the money, then wouldn't it be worth so much more with a tidy garden? A cleared garden would make the space seem bigger and it would be a selling point: a garden ready for you to design to suit yourselves.

And George would be an asset to me. He is excellent at digging up plants, eating bulbs and chewing bushes.

Yes, I think this is definitely the way to go. Except when it rains.

P.S. I just thought: I am to gardening what Alan Titchmarsh is to steamy sex scene writing.

P.P.S. Mr Titchmarsh is a television gardener who has taken up writing novels in his spare time (pah!) and he won the Bad Sex award for one of his books.

P.P.P.S. The question remains: how am I at steamy sex scene writing? The answer is that you'll never know.

7 comments:

James Higham said...

The lawsuit from McDonalds might be on your desk by morning. :)

nick said...

Of course an overgrown, uncleared garden would be the perfect place to hide away and have some steamy sex....

Suburbia said...

Hee hee, I was wondering what I was going to read when I saw the title!

NitWit1 said...

Oh phooey. I was going to watch for publication of your new novel...

Liz said...

That thought did actually cross my mind, james!

I know just the place, nick!

That was the idea, suburbia!

It'll be under a nom-de-plume, nitwit!

Furtheron said...

now that title drew me in but wasn't what I expected... I thought there was some link and was going to point out I'm utterly crap at gardening... well I'm very good at "judicious pruning"... well I call it that Mrs F calls it "hacking the bloody thing down"

Rose said...

Garden clearing and doodling--I think you have your retirement income all set! Did your zinnias turn out?