So Zac's on Tuesday. I have been putting off writing this as I feel I should write something thoughtful and serious but nothing's coming to mind.
And why do I feel the need to be thoughtful and serious? Because we'd reached the bit in the story of David where he hears of the deaths of Saul (who was anointed king but had been trying to kill David) and his son, Jonathan, David's best friend. David writes a lament and commands that his men should learn it so that Saul and Jonathan would be remembered. From that we were considering how our society deals with death, a peculiarly apposite discussion coinciding as it did with the funeral of Michael Jackson. (Incidentally I didn't see any of that but heard it was a surprisingly dignified affair.)
And, of course, it was July 7th, 7/7, and the day a sculpture, commemorating those who lost their lives in the London bombings, was unveiled. (For a different and moving account of the day of the bombings, visit Lia's site.)
But most poignant for us at Zac's were the words uttered by one of the rough sleepers. David had instructed his people not to let the Philistines, the old enemy know that Saul had died as he didn't want them mocking and deriding the deceased king. 'Yeah, that's right, see,' said our rough sleeper. 'My mate died last week from an overdose. I found him. He was a big man and everyone was nice to his face but when I told them he was dead they all started bad-mouthing him. I tell you I never want to find someone dead again. The police think it's murder, that someone gave him the overdose.'
That in itself was bad enough but he continued, 'My sister died 1995, cancer, and I've never got over that.' He could only have been in his late twenties/early thirties, and he'd carried grief with him for fourteen years.
We don't deal well with death. I believe in Africa it's more of a ritual, with an open expression of grief - weeping and wailing - and then getting on with life. We get on with life but very often fail first to release the pain in an effective way.
The death of Diana saw a great public outpouring of grief, a very un-British outpouring that shocked both watchers and those involved. It was as if permission had somehow been given for people to let go and release sorrow that possibly had been buried for years but that found its way out, that was given an outlet that made it respectable.
I'm not emotional. As I've said before I'm a hard-hearted cow. Very little touches me. I suspect it's a side effect of the pills I take to keep my anxiety at bay. Or maybe it was experience that caused me to build the wall around my heart. I don't want to be this way: I want to experience the highs and lows that enable us to live fully. Hey, just a minute, how have I got here, bemoaning my own hard-heartedness, when I started with nothing to say?!
It was an interesting discussion on Tuesday and showed yet another side of David: he is wonderfully and reassuringly human.
And my date flapjacks proved very popular. I deliberately didn't say they contained dates as I knew someone would say, ' I don't like dates,' and not try them. Better to discover afterwards, as Di did, that she'd been thoroughly enjoying something she hates!
And I got a marriage proposal. I think they have a rota depending on the type of cake.
xx
11 comments:
A very touching post xx
I'll come back later
xx
Poor man. He has had 2 very big shocks in his life. No wonder he hasn't got it together. I think the Di outpouring was because for the first time, loss has come late to most people and our own generation has not known full-scale war. Therefore wea re not used to death as previous generations were.
I think its drummed into us to keep a stiff upper lip, don't cry, be brave.... ;0)
grief is a very personal emotion, I don't think that there is a time limit some people grieve quietly and privately, some are louder and more public!
When my Dad died I went numb (shock?), thats almost 13 years ago and I have'nt got over it. I have'nt got over my best friend dying from cancer either (almost 6 years ago) I can accept that they are'nt here, but I'm still upset and angry. I miss them.
I still haven't been able to view the DVD of a close friend's death from cancer last August. But when my husband died I went into shock for a full 2 years! Can't remember those years but I think it's God's way of helping us cope. As far as anxiety is concerned, I need to take something, too, but I can still feel the highs and lows without going so far down I can't get back up again. Sounds like a fabulous group you have there and I wish we had something like it here.
Currently I am listening to the Psalms on tape as I do my walking. David certainly knew how to praise in all situations didn't he?
Like you I worry about being a bit hard hearted. Probably the British stiff upper lip. I think it would be better to truly mourn for a certain time and then get up and get on with life. I know people who have set up shrines to their loved ones who have died by keeping everything just as it was the day they died. I think this is very unhealthy physically, mentally and spiritually. However should one of my children die before me I think I would have a hard time with that and would need to take some lessons from the Psalms.Thanks for sharing.
I think public outpourings of grief can be seen as weakness... but more likely I think others find them uncomfortable either because it reminds them of grief they've not dealt with or that they can't help that person grieving.
My Dad died in 1984 and I didn't really figure out I'd not grieved for him for years and years. You are very correct though it is a very different experience/process for everyone.
Useful post for me... making me think.
Liz, After reading your blog for over a year, I can say you are not a "hard-hearted cow"! Everyone deals with grief differently; I think Welshcakes makes a good point that our generation has not seen a full-scale war nor do we have to deal with death as an everyday occurrence as previous generations did before modern medicine. I can't imagine a life like the rough sleeper you mention--Zac's is providing a wonderful mission to these people.
Date cake really sounds yummy to me. I love dates. When we lived in Morocco I bought some date honey---absolutely divine.
Talking about your emotions sure resonated in my heart. I am so much the same way! I think a lot of it comes from our childhood experiences, don't you think? I'm rereading my Bible and I'm exactly in the same story now, of Samuel, Saul, David, and Jonathan. It amazes me how each time I read thru the Bible something different always stands out and touches me differently than it did before. I think this is my 9th or 10th time...I've honestly lost count...but it enthralls me every time I read it.
Hi! I came to you from Mrs. Nesbitt. I decided to visit your blogs because 1. You're Welsh (we are partly Welsh 2. You like fish and chips 3. Your writing is SO worth reading (I like the "Bits that are Too Long") Do keep writing this even if you aren't getting any comments. No comments is very discouraging. 4. Your comments about church, the lord etc. I am a believer. 5. You talk about anxiety and I am on medication for that too.
Wow! So many things in common. I will be back to visit again
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