With apologies to Joyce Grenfell

Good morning, children.
Now this morning - settle down please children, sit down, please. On the floor, please Tracey, not on Jonny’s lap. Good. Now this morning I want to talk to you about the special day that’s coming up. Who can tell me what special day that is?

No, children, don’t shout out. Put your hand up if you can tell me what special day it is. That was quick, Timmy. … No, you may not go to the toilet. … Because you’ve only just come into school; you can’t need to go yet. …. Well, didn’t you go before you came? …. Oh very well, go but wash your hands afterwards and come straight back.

Now hands up, what special day is it on Thursday? Yes, Lucy? … Is it? Well, I hope your mummy has a lovely birthday, but can anyone else tell me what is special about Thursday? Yes, Mark? … No, you may not go to the toilet. … No, you don’t want to go really … Yes, it is fair … very well, NO, not now, you can go when Timmy comes back – if you still want to.

Where was I? It’s a special day because March 1st is St. David’s Day. Good, Lindsay, I’m glad you remember now. Christopher, don’t do that, please.

David is the patron saint of Wales. Now, does anyone know what a saint is? Yes, Lucy? … I expect your mummy does say that she’s a saint. Putting up with - the things she has to put up with would make her a saint, but it’s not really that sort of saint I’m talking about. Yes, William? … No, Tony Blair isn’t a saint. You’re getting confused, aren’t you, because we were talking about him yesterday. He’s the prime minister, remember? Definitely not a saint.

Yes, Mark?... I’m sure a lot of English people would agree with your daddy that Johnny Wilkinson is a saint, but the saints I’m talking about are all dead. Yes, Siobhan? … Yes, that’s right, some people do pray to saints. Saints are people who were very good when they were alive. Can anyone tell me the names of some saints? …. David, yes, Patrick, that’s right. Um, no, Ian, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a saint called Ian, but there might be.

Yes, Tracey? … No, not all saints are boys. St Joan was a lady. She was burned at the stake for being a Christian. … No, William, I don’t think your granny was burned at the stake. … No, well, we call that – um - being cremated … no, I still don’t think that your granny is a saint. … Why not? Well, because people are usually dead for a long time before they become saints.

Why are you crying, Lucy? … No, dear, you won’t be burned at the stake for going to Sunday school. Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve, dear. Lindsay, will you get Lucy a tissue from the sad corner, please? Mark, it’s very nice of you to want to cheer Lucy up but I don’t think she wants to be hugged quite that tightly. Let her go, please. Now, Mark! Thank you.
Christopher, I asked you to stop doing that.

What did you say, Tracey? … Oh, no, Timmy hasn’t come back yet, has he? … No, Tracey, I don’t think he’s run away. Anyway the doors are locked; he can’t get far. Jonny, will you go and see if Timmy is still in the toilet, please? But come straight back and tell me.

Now, so it’s Saint David’s Day on Thursday. Saint David lived a long time ago. Hundreds of years ago. … Yes, Mark, before you were born … yes, even before I was born. He was born in Wales and when he grew up he was a very kind and gentle man who liked to tell people all about Jesus. … Yes, Siobhan, Jesus’ mother was called Mary, but we’re not talking about Jesus now, we’re talking about St David.

There are lots of stories about St David. Now tell me, what did you have for breakfast this morning? … Hands up, don’t shout out, please. Yes, Ian? … A kit-kat. Okay. Yes, Lindsay? … Sugar puffs, good. Well, David didn’t have sugar puffs for breakfast; in fact he didn’t eat much at all. He lived a very strict life and only ate bread and herbs. Imagine that. No kit-kats, no sugar puffs. … No, Mark, no Frosties either. .. No, nor weetabix. …No, no, all right, no cereals at all. … Yes, Lucy, he might have had toast but I don’t think they had marmite in those days.

Now, you know you’ve heard the stories about Jesus performing miracles, well, some people say that David performed some miracles too. Yes, Mark, what is it now? … Your daddy might think it will take a miracle for Wales to beat England in the rugby, but some of us have more faith than that. Possibly unfounded but we persevere. Now - yes, Lucy? … I think it’s rather unkind of your daddy to say that it would be a miracle if your mummy didn’t burn his tea, but he - was probably joking.


Now, one of St David’s most famous miracles was said to have happened when he was going to speak to a group of people. There were lots of people there and the ones at the back couldn’t see him. But when David started speaking, the ground he was standing on began to rise up. … No, Ian, not like a broomstick. … Yes, I know Harry Potter flies on a broomstick but I’m surprised you’ve seen him. … You watched the film with your brother, did you? I see. … No, Mark, we don’t want to know what film you watched last night. … That doesn’t sound like a very nice film at all! … Mark, there’s no need to go into details. … No, Mark, we don’t want to hear about the dogs eating the cat. Now, look, Mark, you’ve made Lucy cry again. No! Stay where you are. She doesn’t want to be hugged. Lucy, wipe your eyes, dear. Lindsay, why are you crying? … Oh, I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t know that your cat was run over last week. Go and get yourself a tissue.

Now settle down, please children. We don’t want to hear any more stories about pets dying. Christopher, I’ve told you twice already about doing that; stop it! Children, children, come along now, it’s nearly break-time, so just let me tell you one more thing about St David.

You know we have a dragon on our flag because we’ve got one hanging up in the hall, but can anyone tell me what the emblem of Wales is? I mean, what do people like to wear on St David’s Day? … Yes, William, some people do wear rugby shirts. … No, Mark, red ones for Wales. … Boys! Mark, William, stop fighting, please! NOW! Thank you. We don’t fight in this classroom, do we, boys? … No, Tracey, you’re not supposed to fight in the playground either.
What else do people like to wear on St David’s Day? Let me give you a clue: it’s a vegetable. Can you think now? … No, Lucy, not a potato. … No, Siobhan, not a banana and that’s not strictly a vegetable. … No, Tracey, not a pea. … Mark, there is nothing funny about the word pea. Stop sniggering, please. Yes, Ian? … No, not Brussels sprouts either. … Mark, stop doing that, please. Brussels sprouts do not make you - break wind like that. … I don’t care what your daddy says, they don’t in my classroom!
Christopher, come and stand by me, please, where I can see what you’re doing.


Let me tell you, children: the emblem of Wales is the leek! You see, once upon a time Welsh soldiers were fighting a battle against some men who were trying to invade Wales. The trouble was that because they all looked alike no-one could tell who was on whose side! … Yes, William, I know your daddy is fighting in Iraq. … No, William, I don’t think he’s shooting hundreds of baddies. … Did she? Well, perhaps your mummy knows something that they’re not telling us on the news, but I hope it’s not true. … Because it’s not very nice to shoot people. … No, not even baddies – er - I mean people who have a different way of thinking from us. Mark, stop shooting people and sit down please, and stop making that silly daga-daga-daga noise. So, anyway, these soldiers were all getting confused when a monk came along … no, Tracey, not a monkey, a monk. Sit down, Mark! And stop making monkey noises! A monk is a man who prays a lot and helps the poor. So the monk pulled a leek out of the ground and said to the Welsh soldiers, ‘Stick leeks in your helmets then you’ll know who’s who.’ And who can guess who the monk was? Anybody? Who’ve we been talking about? No, no guesses at all? It was St David. And that’s why Welsh people wear leeks on St David’s Day.

Aaah, thank heavens, there’s the bell for break-time. Line up nicely by the door, children. No, not you, Christopher; you come here. Before I go and look for Timmy and Jonny, I want to tell you exactly why you should stop doing that.