One week I announce I'm leaving Linden in favour of Zac's, the next a tragedy occurs in Zac's.
And now I have time to think I realise that in stepping out of Linden I'm leaving the safety zone. In abandoning the safety net of numbers and familiarity and middle class politeness where I can be just another masked woman I'm distancing myself from the edges of a room to put myself with the edges of society where the vulnerable and damaged are more easily identified. They exist in every church - in all of us - but the wounds and scars are more visible in some places.
Linden has played a huge part in my life and the gap that I find between it and me is of my making, I know that. I could have played a fuller role there - to a certain extent - but I chose to follow a different path. And it's going to be challenge: I'm not a natural people person and my innate selfishness will always be a problem causing me to question my motivation and desires. And what makes me think I'm the person for this? Wouldn't I be better just sitting in a quiet corner mouthing the words, talking the talk?
But today I talked to God, handed it over to him, asked him to help me a better person. The person he created me to be, the person I could be. To help me not make me; I've got to do my bit too.