Monday, April 08, 2013

In a funny sort of mood

I don't know how I feel. Just not quite right. I've been trying to cut down on my happy pills by taking half a day; perhaps I'll up it again. I obviously need the chemicals.

Anyway, what else? I've lost my blogging mojo. I think of things to write but then when I sit down at the 'puta I lose my enthusiasm. 

I had another rejection today for novel 2. It came as a surprise as I'd sort of forgotten I'd sent it to an agent and, initially, I just shrugged it off but I think gradually, during the afternoon, disappointment has crept in again.

Novel 2 is very different from This Time Next Year; it's a dark tale about a woman seeking her past. It's more literary - I like to think - but not proving any easier to get published. As Husband said when I was discussing it with him, 'Getting published seems to take more than talent.' And that's assuming I have talent! But it does: it takes the right person on the right day in the right mood to fall in love with your manuscript.

I'm waiting for my daughter and daughter-in-law to read and comment on my first three chapters of Novel 3, another light-hearted girly sort of book, before I start the submitting process. On days like this, in this sort of mood, I think, 'Can I really go through all that disappointment again?' But I know it's worth it because unless I get an agent/publisher I won't believe in my work. I may have published a novel that's been enjoyed but I still can't call myself a published novelist, not in my own head anyway. 

Big sigh. On to other things.

Speaking in prison yesterday I broke a cardinal rule: I asked a rhetorical question. In the chaos that followed, which felt like an hour but probably only lasted three minutes, answers were followed by questions such as, 'So was Jesus a Jew?' and 'What about Hitler then?' (No, I don't know what he had to do with the Easter story either.)

But I started my talk by saying sometimes it seems as if God ignores your prayers. I had a very swift godly rebuttal on that front.

There were a couple of lads in the back row, who during my introduction, were giggling and smirking. As we began to sing the next song I prayed that they would quieten down and not disrupt the others - or me as it doesn't take much to put me off my stride. Almost before I had finished praying two guards moved in and whisked them out and back to their cells. Not perhaps the ideal answer (which would be that hearing my words they'd realise their past mistakes and give their lives to the Lord, hallelujah, sister) but it'll do for me, thank you, God.

Oh yes, and when writing my talk I referred back to something in one of the bible readings we were having - except I'd decided not to include it after all and didn't realise until halfway through my talk. Hey, I handled it like a pro. 'Oh crumbs, are we on this song already? I meant to include ... but didn't so .. well, let me tell you a story.'

And all this with the new chaplain getting his first taste of what we, the little team that goes in to support, can offer him, should he choose to continue using us. 

I asked him afterwards if it was okay. He said, 'Yes, great,' but he would, wouldn't he?


Anne in Oxfordshire said...

We are often talking about God hearing our prayers ... but he wants us to do some work too, God does not have a time scale like us ... just keep praying ... As far as I am concerned you are a saint going to talk in the prisons .... those two lads .. yes the right answer I believe, why do they have to be like this .. mess it up for others .. one day they will listen .. !!

Anne in Oxfordshire said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ole Phat Stu said...

Dostoevsky once said/wrote
"The degree of civilisation in a society can be judged by entering its prisons" ... which is why they don't let anybody visit in Guantanamo Bay :-(

Furtheron said...

I was talking to a friend about his time in prison, which wasn't easy, he served a very long stretch for something that after he had been released he was finally and firmly shown to have been not guilty of. However he admits it was only by the Grace of God he wasn't guilty - i.e. he was of other unprosecuted crimes so he takes the punishment on the chin but you know - 17 years is a long bloody time. But he was talking about working with prisoners and saying that most just "take the piss" seeing it at time off the wing etc. Another friend said - "maybe but we plant a seed, why do you think you are here". He raised his tea cup, laughed and said "fair point" - he is one example of the efforts of people like you do bear fruit in time

Liz said...

All true, anne.

Also true, stu.

Indeed, furtheron. The chapel is the only quiet place in prison and many do come just to get out of their cells - or to communicate with others on different wings, or create a good impression. All sorts of reasons but often they do listen.