I have sat and looked at this empty 'page' for a while now, knowing what I want to write but not wanting to write it. Not understanding, not wanting to feel.
I don't feel as a rule. My emotions are kept under locks. I blame the medication. And early experiences. Far simpler to watch from a distance. To care but not to feel. There's a difference. But the edges are blurring and I don't know how to deal with it.
It began yesterday. As usual I blamed it on hormones, tiredness, eating too much, feeling fat and thus unhappy. But then slowly an idea began to emerge, an idea so shocking that I still don't believe it. Could I be grieving?
Andy's funeral was on Friday. Sean took it and did a wonderful job. So far, so under control. Up till then I'd been busy, occupied. When Ric told me what had happened I was stunned but Andy had been a vulnerable individual and while it was horrendous it was maybe always a possibility. So life went on. And I thought, with the funeral out of the way, that everything would gradually drift back to normal. I wasn't expecting to still have this heaviness needing but not finding a way of release.
But I wasn't that close to Andy. Yes, I've known him probably as long as I've been going to Zac's. I've seen him pass through dark times and celebrated with him only last summer when he was baptised and found a new hope. But we weren't close friends. I've talked to him and laughed with him but I knew very little about him in honesty.
So, no, it's probably not grief; it's just edginess, uncertainty. My life is about to change: I've stepped out of Linden church life and soon I'll be leaving Linden work life. I'm on a cusp and I'm unsure. That's all it is undoubtedly.