Sunday, March 16, 2014

Grieving?

I have sat and looked at this empty 'page' for a while now, knowing what I want to write but not wanting to write it. Not understanding, not wanting to feel.

I don't feel as a rule. My emotions are kept under locks. I blame the medication. And early experiences. Far simpler to watch from a distance. To care but not to feel. There's a difference. But the edges are blurring and I don't know how to deal with it.

It began yesterday. As usual I blamed it on hormones, tiredness, eating too much, feeling fat and thus unhappy. But then slowly an idea began to emerge, an idea so shocking that I still don't believe it. Could I be grieving?

Andy's funeral was on Friday. Sean took it and did a wonderful job. So far, so under control. Up till then I'd been busy, occupied. When Ric told me what had happened I was stunned but Andy had been a vulnerable individual and while it was horrendous it was maybe always a possibility. So life went on. And I thought, with the funeral out of the way, that everything would gradually drift back to normal. I wasn't expecting to still have this heaviness needing but not finding a way of release.

But I wasn't that close to Andy. Yes, I've known him probably as long as I've been going to Zac's. I've seen him pass through dark times and celebrated with him only last summer when he was baptised and found a new hope. But we weren't close friends. I've talked to him and laughed with him but I knew very little about him in honesty.

So, no, it's probably not grief; it's just edginess, uncertainty. My life is about to change: I've stepped out of Linden church life and soon I'll be leaving Linden work life. I'm on a cusp and I'm unsure. That's all it is undoubtedly.  


5 comments:

Anne in Oxfordshire said...

Grief manifests itself in a lot of ways , you could also still be missing Linden , which I am sure you are but God will guide you.

I have been looking at my blog roll for you and nothing came , I did wonder.

It will all come good , I am sure of that . And of course we have hormones flying around , tiredness etc ,, Certainly not fat though , and unhappiness or the feeling can be blamed on all the things happening.

God bless and take care xo

Liz Hinds said...

Thanks, Anne. x

Shirley Davis said...

I understand and I agree with Anne. This is all normal, Liz, and it will pass. I'll be phoning you one day soon. Don't move, will you?

Leslie: said...

After watching Andy come to know the Lord and his new hope in life, it must be sad to see his life end so soon after. But God has his timing and I'm sure even though you say you weren't good friends, you still grieve for those who are/were in your life. Plus, as Anne says, you are starting a new life outside of Linden and things will sort themselves out with time. Be patient and trust in God.

Trubes said...

I second what Anne, Leslie and Shirley have written....
These feelings will pass dear Liz, as they always do, look ahead to the new phase of your life, think of your lovely family and darling grandchildren, that's what I do when I'm feeling blue,
love Di xxx