I escaped from Dunelm today with only the things I'd gone there to buy instead of things I didn't want! Let me tell you this is a major achievement. I swear they pump something into the air that turns a normal shopper into a rabid maniac.
I collect the pillows and mattress cover I need first so I'm deliberately laden before I allow myself just a little glance at the merchandise, but then the competing factions of my brain have to battle it out.
'Oh look, a folding step stool! (You don't need one.) But it's a bargain at £4.99! And look at that: 6 pink plastic kitchen things for £5.99! Amazing bargain. (You've got all of those things.) Yes I know but they're pink. Like my kitchen. When I was fitting my kitchen nobody sold anything pink. Ooh and look at those desks for children! Aren't they so cute? (Nobody has space for one.) Now, look, things for the bathroom, really pretty things. What colour would be best, do you think? (Maybe you should decide what colour you're going to decorate it before buying fripperies.) That maroon is nice. But so is that pale blue. I don't know; what do you think? (I think we should leave now.) But I haven't been upstairs to the kitchen department. (There's nothing you need.) But there might be. I might not know I need it until I see it. (So you can take it home and put it in a drawer and never use it.) Well, we'll just go upstairs and take a peek. (No, we won't.) You're so mean. Let's go to the till via the pictures then. Is it getting a bit old hat to put writings up on the wall? (Does it matter? More important: where would you put them?) Packets of doggy bags, they're useful. (You get them free from the council.) Oh look, net of plastic ducks! (You've got some.) Little plastic things that I can't identify but they're nice and bright? Bag of mints? (Just pay and get out of here. You've nearly made it.)
'Thank you, Madam. Can I interest you in any cleaning items today?'
'Um ... (NOOOOOOOOO!)'