Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Fifty shades of administration

The everyday life of a  church administrator

Arrive in work and put on kettle. While it boils test fire alarms. Struggle as always to stop fire alarms. Make tea.
Attempt to untangle telephone cable while simultaneously making a phone call. Should remember am unable to multi-task. With jumper seemingly irrevocably wound around telephone cable have to speak into handset with head on desk. Not sure of logic behind this but it seems right at the time.

Discover there is trustee meeting in evening - everyone except the secretary to the trust i.e. me, seems to be aware of this - and should have done an agenda. Fail to find agenda from last time so don't know what was on it that was deferred until this time. Grateful to have trustees with bad memories. Make up an agenda.

Am told that water boiler isn't working and fire hydrant is in strange place. (It's been hung on the support for the anti-toddler gate.)
Tackle boiler first being something of an expert in this field. Cannot find user manual only installation book but that tells me how to relight it. Do as told. No success. Light's on but no gas at home. Check manual. One of its suggestions is to purge the gas line. Am unable to find gas line as pipe work does not resemble drawing in manual. Think this is probably for the best on the whole.

Go back up to office and find myself feeling slightly light-headed. Wonder if my deduction that no gas was entering the system was erroneous. Am grateful to know that, at least, fire alarm works should there be an explosion. Although noise of explosion would probably do the job.

Go downstairs again to investigate fire hydrant. Decide I might as well make another cup of tea while there. Examine fire hydrant. Looks like a simple job to put it back in its correct position so go back upstairs to search in my man drawer for a screwdriver. Only find one and it's not a Phillips but it might do at a push. 
Back downstairs, it doesn't. Delve into depths of electric cupboard to look for alternative screwdriver. Drool over the choice. I have man box envy. Bang head coming out of cupboard.

However still impossible to find one that fits exactly but I am woman: I manage. Stand back and admire my handiwork. Fire hydrant now back in proper place. Only held with one screw but seems secure. Return screwdrivers to man box in cupboard under the stairs. Bang head on way out.

Back in the office while drinking tea I head-write a Fifty Shades of Administration tweet: Mounted hydrant and screwed it against the wall. Not brave enough to press Publish button. Suspect it is more nudge, nudge, wink, wink than pornography so maybe just as well.

Call Superman aka Colin. He will look at boiler tomorrow. Later in day, at trustee meeting, have to resist temptation to punch the air when David is suggested as the person who should review the on-going boiler problems. 

Rest of morning passes in a blur: combination of gas poisoning, lack of sleep and euphoria at DIY success.

After work have to go into town. Call into Zac's on the way back. Ric invites me to 'come into the Gents' with me and see where I've been scrubbing the wee off the floor.' He is so proud of his achievement I can't say no.

From there I go to vet's for flea and worming treatment. Wonder if I'm still under the influence of gas when she tells me, 'That's £72, please.'

Wonder if we could hire George out. He'd probably make money than I do.


janet said...

normal day then - well done. perhaps you should slip a copy in with next trustee notes!

Leslie: said...

This is hilarious, Liz! Especially like your non-tweet! and your urge to punch the air...having worked in a church office I can relate.

Furtheron said...

That has to be the next book title and to hell with being sued - the publicity of if you are will just ensure huge book sales...

Rose said...

And here I thought you just answered phones and wrote articles for the newsletter:)

You can appreciate this, Liz--my daughter ordered two books from Amazon. When the first one arrived, she was so excited--she thought it was the "Fifty Shades of Gray" she'd ordered. Instead, it was a book of daily devotions. She decided God must be trying to tell her something:)