Fancy that! They can't get anyone to play me! I don't know why: I'm hot totty me. Least I am when I've got a bit of slap on and I'm out on the town on a Friday night.
They said I'm too Welshy. They haven't got nobody who can do my accent. 'What accent?' I said. 'I haven't got an accent.'
If they want to hear an accent they want to listen to Billy Connolly. He don't have no trouble. My mam likes him. But he's a bit old now. I fancies Russell Brand. Tiff, she's my friend, works down the jobcentre, you know, I told you about her - she likes older men. Her last boyfriend was 29!
I not courting at the moment. Not that I haven't had plenty of offers, mind. Since I was on the telly I got boys queuing at the door. Begging me to go out with them but I said, 'No! You never wanted me when I was a nobody; you not having me now.'
Mam said I was being silly and I wouldn't get offers like that every day. She was right too. They never came back.
But that's okay, I don't want a boyfriend right now. I'm concentrating on my career. Hey, I'll tell you a secret, shall I? I've applied to be in the next Big Brother house.
They won't know what's hit 'em, they won't, when I get in there.
P.S. There isn't meant to be a picture, just sound.