I fought the martyr

Today I woke with a martyr mentality.

I'm tired, I have a slightly sore throat but I've got to do stuff. I must do stuff because I'm not worth it, not worth looking after, not worth caring about.

I'm fighting it. I remember my resolve of not so long ago to stop trying (and failing) to be perfect, to accept my limitations and myself.

That said I have just had a little clean-up in the kitchen but that actually makes me feel better and isn't too stressful. Quite simple in fact once I decide to throw away all the little things that are lying around on the work surface just in case they're important/part of something bigger/needed once every three years. Liberating.

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Twenty-six minutes ago the timer on the washing machine said it had twenty-seven minutes left to run. I just went out and checked it and it now has twenty minutes left. 

I suppose I could call 'a man' in but it works albeit in its own time zone so doesn't seem worth the bother.

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The pram was collected yesterday. I am very sad to see it go.

Tim, who collected it, said it would be used by old ladies who have baby dolls. That is immeasurably sad but it's also good to know that the pram will be loved and used and of value to women who have lived long and have earned the right to be content.

I can see me being one of those women, pushing a pram around. I really loved that experience and time.

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On Saturday I bought myself a cauli-based pizza thinking it might be healthier and have slightly fewer calories than a normal one and thus generally better for me. It proved to be the case.

Mainly because I ate less than half of it. 

It wasn't that it was hideous exactly. Just unappetising. I don't think the fact that I forgot to remove the polystyrene backing before cooking harmed it; in fact it probably added flavour.

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The reason, in particular, for my fatigue was the Saturday sleep-over by three grandchildren. Waken at 5.30 am by three little voices saying, 'Hello, Granny,' sets you up for the day.

'Go back to bed,' Husband growled.
And they did but they were wide awake by then so at 6.00 am we four got up and the grazing began. They didn't stop eating until 11.00 am. By which time, please note, I had been up for five hours instead of my usual two.

I'm going to lie in the sun now and read my book. I fought the martyr and I won.