If you're going to have a God-panic the last time you want it is at 11.30 at night.
I was in bed listing the people I wanted God to bless, be with, help etc, and it occurred to me that there were a lot of them. 'How can you do all of this?' I said, meaning it as a joke but then the ridiculousness of it struck. How can God be everywhere and know everything? It's rubbish.
Now every so often I get these thoughts and they usually pass quickly but last night they struck with a stomach-grippingness. 'Do I really believe this? How can I? It's impossible.' The last time I felt this bad was very shortly after I became a Christian and I remember the struggle, and the conversation I had with a wise man at the time. I tried to do again what he had suggested: bring God down to size, that is, think of Jesus the man. When I think of him it's easy. Usually. Last night that trick didn't work so well.
I considered the impact of what it would mean if I lost my faith. Most of what I do would become meaningless; I'd have to stop. And, yes, much of my self-worth/ego is derived from who I am as a Christian; if I lost that I would lose far more than somewhere to go of a Sunday. I want to believe; I don't want to lose my support, foundation - or crutch if you prefer.
I once chose to believe, to believe the stories of Jesus are true, to believe he died and rose again. And it's that decision I hang on to sometimes when my brain says it's nonsense. It's what I'm clinging to now.
It's nothing to do with Baz's death or anything in particular I'm sure and I still choose to believe in spite of doubts and uncertainties. I'm not an emotional person; I don't expect to feel anything. Sometimes I wish I could feel more. I see others moved by what they see or hear and freely expressing that emotion and I envy them but I have to tell myself that feelings don't last. And feelings can be deceptive.
My faith is both rational, in that it's a decision I've made, and irrational, in that I can see the nonsensical side of it.
This must sound like a confused post and it is I suppose but it's okay, nothing's changed. Just a little wobble. Nothing God can't deal with.