My tea guests last night expressed surprise that I don't drink. 'We had you down as drinker,' they said. What does that mean? What identifies someone as a drinker (apart from the difficulty in formulating sentences, unsteadiness on the feet and general abandonment of responsibility)? What makes me look like a drinker (apart from the difficulty in formulating sentences, unsteadiness etc)? Okay, point proved. As I said, it's a good job I'm not a drinker. Knowing my inability to refrain from eating more than just the one square of chocolate, I would definitely be an alcoholic by now.
Not that there haven't been times when I've said, 'I could do with a drink.' I always make do with tea but something stronger would have done me far more good on occasion, I'm sure. If nothing else, everything seems funnier - or so it appears - when you've had a drink or two.
But I just don't like it - and the most recent time when I said, 'go on then , just a mouthful of champagne to see in the New Year,' led to me spending the first hour of the New Year throwing up.
Against Dieting by Blake Morrison
Please, darling, no more diets.
I've heard the talk on why it's
good for one's esteem. I've watched you
jogging lanes and pounding treadmills.
I've even shed two kilos of my own.
But enough. What are love-handles
between friends? For half a stone
it isn't worth the sweat.
I've had it up to here with crispbread.
I doubt the premise too.
Try to see it from my point of view.
I want not less but more of you.